I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
