I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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