You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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