I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
