I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
