I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
