I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
