She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
