I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
