i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
