He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
