on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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