It was confusing and full of hummus
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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