I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize