i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
