you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
