i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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