I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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