On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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