having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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