Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize