My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
they're like a gay fantastic four
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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