the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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