If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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