A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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