Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
