Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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