i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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