just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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