Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
