people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
