Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
