Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
