Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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