You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
