Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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