i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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