Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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