I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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