we're chasing vodka with high fives
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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