we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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