They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
