I'm jealous of your bromance
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i have two assholes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
