There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She told me I should be a condom model.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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