Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it's like iHOP with fire
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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