Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
