Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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