The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
