I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My feet surprised me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
