She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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