smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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