I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
