I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
