I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
