there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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