Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
