Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just gift wrapped bread.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
