Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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