im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
