There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
worst night to have a conscience
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize