My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
