I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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